RANT:

ADVERTS

Somebody once said, 'love makes the world go around.' What a cunt that person was! It's actually the fact that there's no friction in space to slow it down, so in theory, it should just keep on spinning. CUNT. Welcome back CUNTS! Sorry for the delay in the new rant, but some of us have been busy with work, unlike people up north. This latest fucking rant is about adverts. It worries me after doing research on this, that there are some prized cunts giving huge wads of queens heads to ad agencies or, '3 yr olds with a pack of crayolas with the I.Q of a smartie' to make an advert for their products. Shit, fuck, piss and wank stains. I am sure these are the sort of people who vomit on the fucking carpet, and then get their fucking dog to lick it up. I will list some of our favourites for you. You WILL agree with us, if not I hope you trip up on a pitchfork and it splits your skull open.   We will start with a contribution from our good friend Jim Letts of theBrighton area. An avid Palace or Eagle fan for you footballians out there.

Daytime cable channel adverts.

Just who the fuck are these adverts aimed at? Claims Direct? Fucking Idiots Direct more like. "I was given the wrong ladder and slipped and fucked my hand..." tough shit you fucking twat! If you were given the wrong ladder you shouldn't have gone up it in the first place you fuckwit. Christ, it's like being paid for being a imbecile. "I'm a fucking idiot who can't stand up on a wet floor without someone telling me its wet, er.... can I have some money now please?" No you fucking can't! Fucking parasite, fuck off!

Ocean Finance? Got yourself into shit loads of debt? Here, have another fucking massive loan that you'll never be able to pay back so we'll have your house thank-you-very-much. Whats wrong with these people? Didn't you realise you had to pay back the credit card company or something? Free money? Jesus H Christ! And where do they find the people in these adverts? Fucking mutant hill-folk the lot of 'em. "There was no forms to fill in...." just as fucking well as you can't read or write you cretin. "They were very helpful......" of course they were, they're gonna have your fucking house off you soon, twat!

"Does searching for car insurance drive you crazy?" No. You do, you cunt! If you're that much of an idiot to fall for these adverts you shouldn't be allowed to drive in the first place. Downright dangerous letting morons like that own cars.

"Calm down, it's only an advert" I haven't even fucking started you fat cunt!!

 

Thanks Jim, loving your work.

 

Right, lets start with washing powder ad's. Yes, the fucking Bold, Ariel, Daz all these fucking stupid fucking names. Why not just call it, 'Washing Powder'?
So, these ads have been on tv for fucking years. 'New improved' they keep fucking telling us.
'Gets your whites whiter than white.' Ok, let's just go back a bit and break down these so called claims, or fucking lies as i like to say. Let's say that bold or ariel have been on sale for 50 yrs or so. They first advertised as a new washing powder on the market. Then a year or two later they brought out a new improved version, this goes on every year up to present day. Basically, they are saying all their versions before the latest are shit. What was in those early versions of powder? Dog shit? Did your nice red dress come out black? Did your Dad's nice work shirt that went in blue come out with dirt and fucking grass stains on? In fact, did your clothes come out of the washer at all? How are we to know they actually fucking improved it at all? Do they think we all stand there with two identical fucking tops? One covered in the biggest dog shit stain and blood stain like whoever was wearing it had a fucking lawnmower go over their chest? Then dip it in two bowls of water with the washing powder in, one of the old and the other the new improved. Of course we fucking do. We dip the cunts in like they do on tv for 5 fucking seconds, pull them out and hey presto. One is still covered in dog shit and blood, and the other is clean. Fucking bollocks, you cunts. You dipped one in your new improved, and one in industrial strength bleach. Why? Well my fucking pedigree chums, lets face it

1. If you have a shirt with four different stains on in the first place, you are a dirty cunt.

2. I dont know a powder that will get them stains out unless you wash it at 90 fucking degrees which then shrinks your fucking top, so that the only cunt its gonna fit is an umpa lumpa bloke.

3. The only thing you normally wash at 90 degrees is bed sheets, and anyone who has dog shit, blood, and grass stains on their bed sheets has fucking problems. You don't need washing powder mate, you need to get your fucking melon examined.

Right, lets get onto the whiter than white bullshit. So they said years ago it gets your whites white. Then the fucking cunts tell us they can get it whiter than white. Can you see where i am going with this? Hhhmmm, whiter than white. So basically 1, it's a washing powder for only 'white' clothes, and 2, what the fuck is whiter than white? It's either fucking white, or it isn't. I washed my clothes that they are so white I have to wear fucking sunglasses and people are getting fucking sunburnt from the light my togs are giving off. What's next- ' It gets your clothes so white they are invisible?' You fucking cunts, white is white. If it isn't, its fucking grey, so piss off.
How about doing a real ad with jizz stains, spag boll, red wine and all that bollox, then let's see how well it does.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh CONFUSED.COM , fuck off you massive cunt.

I see Ferrero Roche has a new ad out. Lots of silouettes of women jumping around to a little gay tune. Well, let me save you some money. We all laughed at the terrible dubbed, 'you are really spoillling us' and 'excellente' bollox in the embassy. Now they make it look like the opening sequence of a fucking Bond movie! Sadly the two couldn't be any different. One is a franchise of quality action movies, the other is a lump of dog shit with a nut in it. I like the way they try to tell us that our chocolate is so good we wrap it in gold on a little black cup. No you cunts. Chocolate with nuts is Marathon or Cadburys Nut. Dont try to fool us with your nugget of rabbit shit. You can spend as much as you like advertising it but it aint gonna work, build huge fucking pyramids of it and put it on a tray and walk round saying ' nugget of dog shit anyone?' Stop throwing your money down the fucking drain. What do I know anyway, I fucking hate nuts.

Right, the next cunts who are gonna get it, are the razor blade fuckers. Years ago, it was one blade, then two, three, and now four. Gilette, Wilkinson, blah blah. We all know how fucking sharp the cunts are, people have been using them to commit suicide for decades. They dont advertise that, do they? The cunts. So one or maybe two blades is enough. You shave with a bic for instance, it does the job. The stubble has gone and you have a smooth face. But Gillette had to go one further. Gets even closer, smoother than ever. Fuck off, whats next. ' It gets so close it takes your fucking face off.' You can't get any closer, once it's gone, that's it. Yet they keep bringing the fuckers out with another blade. Soon, the fucking razor will be bigger than your head. ' So sharp it will take your fucking head off. '
And what about the cunt in the advert who runs it right across the side of his face at the speed of light, leaving a smooth clean face behind. Fuck off you psycho cunt. If I did that, I would be investing in surgery for a skin graft coz I had a face like someone who had a fucking lawnmower run over his face. FUCK OFF YOU RIP OFF CUNTS.

Now on to perfume ads. Let's spend shit loads on 'art' . Women kissing women, blokes kissing blokes, blokes sucking cocks, people getting run over, people smashing windows, lots of makeup and talking or singing high pitched in a foreign language. What exactly are you selling? I know, I will just go up to the tv speaker and smell what that perfume is like. You FUCKING BIG CUNT. Fancy bottles, and a hundred models all shouting the name of the perfume from a balcony. Makes you wanna have a wank, not buy a fucking bottle. How the fuck do you describe what a perfume smells like in an advert? Take the money, and throw it out the window. You CUNTS.

That, 'I am a greedy cunt James can't ever get off tv cunt Nesbitt' should remove himself immediately from our screens. If he isn't doing sky ads, he's doing them fucking yellow pages crap. Hi I need car insurance, I am doing yoga, I want computer lessons, I need an image change, my niece needs a haircut. How about you ring up for someone to come round with a cricket bat, a brick nailed through it, and put it repeatedley through you fucking chops, you advert whore. Get off our tv you cock! If you get sky prem plus, you have 42 matches for £15.00 in that fucking irish twang. How about for £15.00, I get to put my hob nailed boot in your face 42 times, you BIG CUNT. Now FUCK OFF.

Car adverts. How exactly do you try to get someone to part with anything from 7000 queens heads up to 35000 queenies? Well no car advert has ever made me want to go out and buy one. Lets set fire to fields, and have cars flying at high speed through it. Lots of black and white, a baby, a fireman, it's new york, lots of tall buildings, oh, there's some roadworks going on the background, loud noise of drilling, now we are in a busy A and E dept, nurses and doctors everywhere. What the fuck has all that gotta do with a fucking car? All people wanna know is, how fast 0-60, the top end speed and what fucking gadgets. Fuck off with all your art shit, driving around cities or around mountain roads. ' It handles like a dream.' Explain that you cunt. ' Handles like a dream?' These people need to understand the basic fudementals of the English language. That sentence has no meaning whatsoever. Handle my arse, you fucking sales driven CUNTS.

Well sorry i couldn't cover every advert but some of us have work to do, unlike people north of Watford. Have a good Xmas and new year, get fucked and go fuck yourself.

 

If you want to rant about something that has been pissing you off, if something’s happened in the world that makes you want to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!”, if you’ve seen a film or a show that’s made you want to pull your eyes out and shove them up your arse. Or if you just want to tell us to fuck off and try and argue, even though we're right. If it's good or will provoke a debate, we'll put it on.
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