bank

noun

a financial establishment that invests money deposited by customers, pays it out when required, makes loans at interest, and exchanges currency :

I paid the money straight into my bank.

or

a multi national company of greedy, profiteering, fuckpigs, who should have their hands amputated and force fed back to them. Cunts:

I've just been shafted by my bank again. I wish those cunts would just eat shit and die.

I fucking hate banks!
Bunch of greedy wankers, all of em. NO EXCEPTIONS! When they make a fuck up, it’ll be a “sorry, we fucked up. We’ve sorted it now though, so that is that.” You get a letter if you're lucky.
Now if WE fuck up, well that’s different. “That’ll be £30 please” Or whatever scandalous amount your particular bank charges you for the “admin” costs.
Wankers! If ever we miscalculate our balance and go a little over our overdraft, even by £1, we don’t get away with apologising. Oh no, we get stung for something in the line of 30 queens heads.
Remember when that guy stitched the banks for all the fines they had charged him with over the years? How we cheered! The greedy wankers were saying it was admin costs!! So he took them to court and asked them to prove how much the admin does ACTUALLY cost. Funnily enough, they backed down, as the admin cost could be estimated at costing around £2. Then everyone realises how much they’re being fucked in the arse by these  shit eaters, and have a pop as well. A few people managed to claw back a load of money. Then the thieving  bastard banks hatch a plan. The fact that they’ve been clearly ripping everyone off is plain to see, and they are going to lose a nice bit of revenue, they then get together and decide if you want to sue the bank and claim all this money that they have robbed off you, then fine, but they then kick you out of the bank and make it virtually impossible to open up with another rival. And as you know, it’s pretty fucking difficult to do anything without a bank account. Just try it. So we’re just as fucked.

A man once said, “greed is good” but he’s dead now. Died when he wiped his arse with a hepatitis infected £50 note  that gave him a paper cut, the fat greedy cunt.
 These fuckers will get their comeuppance one day. I have to hold on to that ridiculously weak notion to stop me  going and firebombing all the cocksuckers.
  How we laughed when those Northern Rock tossers went tits up!!
And now there’s a strong possibility of a global recession thanks to the greedy American mortgage lenders, which in turn has now FUCKED  the rest of the world. Thanks for that. And now the western world is shitting it, as nations such as China and India are gaining more power, as well as the oil rich nations. All down to greed.

I also have a personal gripe. It is with HSBC, whom I bank with. I took the liberty of finding out what HSBC stands for. Now I’m sure many of you believe it to be the "Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation."

This is a common misconception. What HSBC ACTUALLY means is, "Halfwitted Swindling Bank of Cunts." It fucking IS ok?
Here is a fine example of just how inept these cock suckers are.

I pay £12 per month for my account with HSBC wank. I pay this because I get travel insurance, and also no withdrawal fee when I take cash out of an ATM abroad. I travel to Europe quite a bit as can be seen on my statement. So WHY THE FUCK do they block my card without warning 4 days into my holiday in Australia?! No phone call to check I’m away. Nothing. Just all of a sudden I can’t get any money out. Then I have to phone THEM, from Australia, to sort it out!! Costing ME money for them to sort out the shit which shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Pricks.
Why couldn’t they just call me, and check where I am and be done with it?!
This is close approximation of what happened. This is why I hold nothing but contempt for this piece of shit organisation:

I call up HSBC, and eventually get through to some one in India after all the annoying sub menus, like adverts on how they're having a "special" on loans this month. Wankers.
“Hello Mr Thomas, this is HSBC, how may I help you?”
“Why have you blocked my card?”
“I’m sorry Mr Thomas?”
“Why have you blocked my card? I’m away on holiday, and I can’t get any cash anywhere. Why have you blocked me?”
“Ah well Mr Thomas, there have been transactions taking place in Australia, so we have placed a block”
“I know, I’m on holiday in Australia. I have made those transactions. Why have you just put a block on my card without speaking to me?”
“Well, did you notify your bank about going away?”
“No, and since when do I have to notify my bank about when and where I decide to go in the world?” The cheeky fuckers!! Like it’s MY fault for not telling them where I am. That REALLY fucked me off.
“Well as part of our fraud prevention we had to put a block on your card. Can you confirm of £x transaction on 19th December in Bondi, Sydney?”
“Yes, that was me. I’m on holiday here.”
“And then a transaction of £x on the 20th December in Bondi, Sydney?”
“Yes. Like I said, I’m on holiday”
“And then on the 21st December, a transaction of-“
“YES, I am on holiday here.”
“Ok Mr Thomas. And then a transaction of –“
“Are you not listening to me? I. Am. On. Holiday. Here. I made these transactions”
“Alright Mr Thomas, and then again on the 22nd December for £x at Wooloomooloo, Sydney”
Large intake of breath, “Yes. I’m on holiday here”
“Ok, that’s fine Mr Thomas. I have now unblocked your card. It should be ok to use the ATM in 5 minutes.”
“Right. Thank you” Said with perhaps a whiff sarcasm. “Oh, and I’m going to Thailand in a couple of weeks, just to let you know, so you don’t block me again.” Again, perhaps a smidge of sarcasm.
She then takes the dates for when I am in Thailand and it’s done.
So, I can now get cash out, all thanks to an expensive phone call for no reason. Well done, you cunts.

However, my inept fuckwank bank is not finished with cluster fucking me just yet.

I arrive in Bangkok late. The next day, I go to tinternet shop and book a flight down to the South, using my credit card. Later that evening, I am in my room and I get a phone call. It’s HSBC. Here we go, I thought, but to my surprise, it was just some guy at the Indian call centre checking that everything has been ok with my card as I should now be in Thailand. Everything was fine, and I thanked him for his call. Well, there’s something positive they have done, I was thinking. Then, less than 5 MINUTES later, I get another call. This time it’s from HSBC Fraud Prevention Department, or, as I call them HSBC Complete Fuckwit Department. They tell me that they have had to block my credit card, because, get this, some one has stolen my details. Ok, you may think, that’s fair enough, I thought the very same, until they explained to me the basis of this finding.
Basically, my credit card had been stopped because transactions had been made in Thailand. I kid you not. At this point I lost it and unleashed all my anger and frustration at the poor woman on the other end of the line. My tirade lasted between 5 and 10 minutes I think. Now I realise it is not HER fault as such, but what do you expect when there is a system in place, that has been designed by a complete fucking retard. I tried explaining, well, I yelled at her, that I had told the people at HSBC that I was going on holiday to Thailand over these dates, AFTER they had blocked my debit card the last time, 12days before. I mean, what the FUCK?!! I told these fucking imbeciles the actual DATES I was going to be here. The transactions that she mentioned were for:
 1. A hotel: Hmmm, perhaps like the one I WAS FUCKING STAYING IN.
2. For a flight: Perhaps like the one I HAD JUST FUCKING BOOKED 10 HOURS EARLIER. YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLES!!
You see?!
I then asked  what other transactions that the people who “stole my details” had made.
“I’m not  at liberty to give out that information” was the reply. Sorry?! Is it not MY account?! And you can’t tell ME any information about MY account?! What a joke!
I then tried explaining that it was me who had made those transactions and that there was no need to cancel my card on those grounds. Denied. This dumb bitch who is clearly reading from a flip chart in front of her, wouldn’t listen to me, and perhaps try and apply some sort of logic to things, oh no. Her diagram says this must happen, so that is that. That is why I hate speaking to people across the world when trying to sort out arrangements with my bank. They obviously just have a chart in front of them of  the procedure, and are not interested in listening, and trying to fix the problem with any sort of logic and reason. I also know that HSBC have no intention of pulling the India call centres, which is the main gripe for the majority of customers. It makes them money you see. Greed. Fucking cocksuckers.
Anyway, after all this shit, my card is now blocked, but, because I have told them I am away, AGAIN, and that I need my card, I am given a number to call, so if I want to use my card, they will then unblock it for an hour. So I have to call them everytime I want to use it. Are these cock suckers going to pay my phone bill? What do you think? It all goes back to greed again. Cunts.
I have one more example of the level of cuntishness my bank has stooped to.
I used to live in Tooting in south London. All my statements went there. One day I get a phone call from the HSBC Fuckwit Department to check some transactions. Ok you may think, nothing wrong with that, but again, as you will see, the lack of logic is staggering.
I am told that they want to check a couple of transactions that they’re concerned about. Ok, what? The first is for £5.30, I kid you not, that was made to London Underground at….. Tooting Broadway Station!! I fucking LIVE HERE. That is how I manage to get into London you dumb bitch. Now ANYONE with the tiniest bit of sense, or someone from the same country at least would surely be able to put 2 and 2 together.
Then, another transaction for say £28 from……. Sainsbury’s on Tooting High Street.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or try and get my hand down the phone line to the other side to rip her fucking throat out. How is this happening?!
You see THAT is the level of stupidity we are dealing with because the greedy wankers at HSBC insist on having a call centre halfway around the world, with people who know nothing about the country, or localities. Fucking. Greedy. Cunts.
I was working on a HSBC staff conference not long ago, and in a q&a session one of the questions raised was whether HSBC would be bringing call centres back to the UK as customers were constantly complaining. The answer was skirted around with mentions of teething problems, but were no plans to change. So there we are, a perfect example of these greedy pricklickers. Not interested in listening to their customers complaints, just lining their own fat pockets. CUNTS!!
I am now looking for a new bank to do business with. Is there anyone in particular anyone can recommend?

One final laugh for the silly cunt Jerome Kerviel who lost 4.9billion euros for Societe Generale. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!

On a slightly different note, you may be aware that it is that time of year again. The time of year when you get large groups of meatheads chasing an egg around a field, trying to injure one another. If anyone needs reminding of just how UTTERLY RIDICULOUS this "sport" is, then click on the link below.

Stupid fucking egg chasers.

Laters, people.