There’s an awful lot wrong with tv today. However, one of the biggest problems we’re facing, which is spreading like a cancer across tv companies, and destroying creativity for cheap and easy tv. This is of course, the “Reality TV/ Elimination show” genre.
It seems to be taking over the airwaves. Rather than just be the odd show has now grown into some monster. Think about it, you have –
Big Brother; Next Top Model, Shipwrecked, X Factor, Britains Got (no) Talent. Etc etc.
And if that was not bad enough, you then of course have the “celebrity” type shows. The irony of course being that the people who agree to go on these shows are anything BUT celebrities these days, and go to prove how sad and desperate they are for one more 15 minute slot, and then make a living doing those fucking awful Iceland commercials. Shows like –
Celebrity Big Brother; I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here; Celebrity Dancing On Ice (which, unfortunately, is NOT Craig Charles twitching away like a cunt after smoking loads of crack in a taxi up to Manchester. Shame.)
These shows are an absolute disgrace, and are all driven by greed.
Cheap to produce, and then cream serious dough from the annoying phone lines that you’re encouraged to call. Then there are the skanky tabloids and gossip mags to fuel all the sad fucks who get totally immersed in this shit.
Let’s have a look at a few, shall we?
Recently on, there has been Britain’s Got Talent. Hmmm, what delightful viewing. The general public are encouraged to make a total arse of themselves in front of a panel of judges.
Simon “could I be more aloof?” Cowell – responsible for acts such as Mr Blobby, Zig and Zag, Gareth Gates, and other nameless buckets of shit.
Dodgy arrogant smarmy cunt PiersMorgan – the disgraced former Mirror editor. Previously of the News of the World, and currently with the Daily Mail. What a truly vile human being this man is. Pure scum.
Botox queen waste of space Amanda Holden - …err…..she married Les Dennis.
Could it be any more demeaning? Trying to impress these three fuckholes? But people lap it up! Simon Cowell is revered as some sort of god! What a joke. Then after all this, we are subjected to “cheeky funnymen” Ant ‘n’ Dec to host, being all lovable and geordie . “Keep phoning in. Stay on the phone. The lines are still open.” Yeah that’s right, let’s line the pockets of these utter wankers, making them even richer. The economy may well be fucked – but that Susan Boyle can sing a bit, eh? Fuck. Off.
Along with this, we were subjected to X Factor. IDENTICAL format – general public being cunts, trying to impress cunts. The judges this time :
Megalomaniac narcissist - Simon Cowell. Again.
Worm-like leprechaun mutant - Luis Walsh.
And of course, the greedy wanker marrying, fuckable geordie lollipop - Cheryl Cole…pet.
Car crash tv once again, people. The first shows just taking the piss out of all the REALLY shit, and delusional people, who believed their gran when she said they could sing. After that it just a gang fuck of mediocrity. The most tedious programme that is aired on Saturday night primetime viewing. Just keep phoning in though, and keep your favourite AVERAGE singer for the full 12 weeks, or whatever outrageous time frame these shockingly bad programmes get.
Another shower of piss I have had the misfortune to experience is, America’s Next Top Model.
Now this is just fucking genius. Again there are judges, although I have no idea who they are. One I think is Tyra Banks. Apart from her, there will be 3 or 4 bitchy fashonista queens to pick holes in the very attractive looking airheads that they are showcasing. What really makes me laugh about this show though, is that the producers try and make out that to be a model you have to have more than just looks. HA! You MASSIVE cunts. They are models. Looks are the ONLY thing that matter to these people in this line of work. It doesn’t matter what they say or think. Please stop making this banal shit.
Big Brother. Ah, Big Brother. The people who brought you Jade Goody. God, where to start. I could write an entire rant on this alone… but I will spare you.
Remember the first BB? It could even be argued as a social experiment. A load of randoms all forced to live with each other in close proximity for 12 weeks or whatever it was. One evicted every week by phone vote (surprise surprise) Then a cash sum for the one winner to last it out. I remember it. Rather dull, but something for the voyeur in all of us.
These days however, it’s completely different. These days the people appearing are getting more extreme, and more fame hungry. The tasks set are becoming more ridiculous. The editing is such that what you actually see in the programme is actually nothing like what has actually happened. Things implied and stories being invented by the editors(I refer you toCharlie Brooker if you have 5 minutes) because there is NOTHING going on worth watching. Ha! The irony.
Then, when these wasters leave the house, they appear in the scumbag tabloids, and maybe go to a film premier. This unfortunately leads to young impressionable people thinking it’s they’re ticket to fame and fortune
The truth of course being that after a few days, they go back to total anonymity. Crawling back under the stone that once they came. Then Endemol and the phone companies cream all the cash. What a big waste of time.
In 2007, according to the Learning and Skills Council, 1 in 7 UK teenagers hopes to gain fame by appearing on reality television. 1 in 7! What an absolute disgrace.
I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
Those cheeky chappy Geordie cunts Ant n Dec are at it again. Hosting more shithouse television. This time based in the Australian “jungle”, although unfortunately the place is checked for any really dangerous creatures. This is a shame I think. I’d be much more tempted to watch it if there was a chance that these pricks would be attacked and killed by a wild boar. Now THAT would be quality tv. But no. We get a group of ex famous people desperate for another shot, and quite happy to eat kangaroo bollocks to get it. Just how sad and desperate do you have to be? More phone lines, more evictions. Longer and l-o-n-g-e-r pauses being used before announcing the evictee. Have you noticed this? All these elimination shows pausing longer each time. All trying to outdo eachother . Why don’t they just do away with a commercial break and just pan back and forth with the tense music while we can all make a cup of tea. What a bunch of cunts.
Celebrity Big Brother.
Same format as above but set in BB house. Utter shite. I do seem to remember that fat fuck Vanessa Feltz losing her shit on there one time though, which was quite funny at the time. But unfortunately she didn't kill anyone else in there or herself and is still around to annoy everyone today.
The list goes on.
Pop Idol, Popstars, Celebrity Come Dancing, Celebrity Dancing On Ice, Celebrity Love Island, Cirque de Celebrity (really), and of course, my favourite, Celebrity Coke Whore -
Tara Palmer Tomkinson, Sophie Anderton, and Kate Moss battle it out to see how many guys they can FUCK on each gram of gak they’re given. Nice.
You see? It’s relentless, and I haven’t even mentioned all the American shite.
And did you know that there is a channel devoted entirely to reality tv? I shit you not. In the U.S. it is Fox Reality (just don’t get me started on Fox), and the UK equivalent – Zone Reality. Tv channels entirely devoted to the most banal form of entertainment.
There is just no escaping this torture. It is EVERYWHERE.
Ever seen the film 28 Days Later, or 28 Weeks Later? There’s a virus called RAGE that sends people mental and extremely violent. I know where this comes from.
The other day Big Brother started it’s latest series. I decided to watch a little bit for some rant fodder, and to see what massive wankers are invovled this time. It wasn’t pretty. I can remember twitching after 5 minutes, then blanking out. I awoke 10 minutes later and found that I’d put my foot through the tv and completely trashed the room.
The end of the world cometh, my little pedigree chums.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. |
