Now that the Roberts is recovering with some valium, we have some guest rants for you.
Thanks to all who contributed, regardless of how fucked up you clearly are.
Loving all your work.
GUEST RANTS:
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The Letts - Cunt's cars
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Cunts!
Not only cunts, but idiot cunts. In fact, idiot cunts with no idea of what to spend their money on.
Let's look at some examples:
Some of these chav twats spend in excess of £30,000 on making a ford escort look like a joke. Fuck! You could buy a new Audi for that! But, NO! They'd rather take their mums car and turn it into some sort of cartoon. Who are they trying to impress?!?! Look you little fuckwit, you can put all the spoilers on it you want but at the end of the day it's still a vauxhall corsa! My mother has one of them!
If it's not funny enough the fact that they drive these clown cars, then it's the fact that they think they're fucking Jenson Button! Sticking a baked bean tin on the exhaust and revving the fuck out of your mothers car does not impress me, neither will it make your car pull away from the lights any faster than my mid priced german hatchback.
One of the funniest I cars I ever saw was a modified Audi TT. Yellow. Yes. Yellow. With fucking great big spoilers. Yup. Spoilers. Now, I know that the classic style of the TT may not be to everyones taste but, WHAT THE FUCK?! IT'S AN AUDI TT!! DID IT NOT LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO START WITH!?!? YOU PRIZE CUNT!
If you think that I'm some sort of out of touch old fuck, then fine. Maybe I am, but if I wanted a flash car I'd buy a Maserati, not a corsa or a saxo or any other piece of shit and stick bits of plastic to it in the hope that I might be able to get some chav slapper pregnant on the back seat.
Now fuck off and stop bothering me at the lights you little wankers.
Nice one Jim, lapping that up.
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The Thomas - Caught
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So, two girls get caught trying to smuggle gak out of Ghana. Now of course, they’re pleading innocence due to the fact that they were set up. Here is an eloquent quote from them to Channel 4 News, "There were basically two boys over here who gave us two bags and told us... it was an empty bag,” “we never thought anything bad was inside... and they told us to go to the UK and drop it off to some boy... at the airport.”
“It was basically like a set-up. They didn't tell us nothing, we didn't think nothing, 'cos basically we are innocent.”
"We don't know nothing about this drugs and stuff."
Yeah, sure you don’t. Of course you’re innocent. The families of these girls thought they were on a school trip, for God’s sake!! They had no idea their daughters were in west Africa! It’s looking like a 10 year stretch for these fuckwits. I’m sure any sane person even with minimal intelligence knows, that you would NEVER meet some random person and then agree to take a bag, of which you know nothing of it’s contents, and drop it off to another random person in another country. It was a set up though - of course it was. I think it’s plain to see that these girls are of very low intelligence, just from the language they use in the above quote, but to think anyone would actually believe a word of their ridiculous story astounds me. And, if you want to be really pedantic, “we don’t know nothing”, constitutes a double negative. So they DO know SOMETHING. Maybe they can have a few English lessons to pass the time, in between cleaning out their own faeces.
You got caught. End of. Fucking idiots!
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The Flipper - Mobile Phones
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Since the invention of the mobile phone, my life has been made in some ways easier, and in others more fucking annoying than I ever thought possible!
For starters - ring tones. Jesus titty fucking Christ they can be shit, can’t they? That fucking frog thing needed a damn good kicking in his CGI dick! Ding Ding this you frog legged, one worded vocabulary, out of tune, can’t dance or sing wanker! Whoever came up with him needs shooting or locked up with a group of randy gay boys and some soap that’s been dropped on the floor!
Then you get the idiots who think that the normal nokia ring tone is cool and retro, it’s not cool or fucking retro you cunts. It’s fucking annoying, and, just like you, need to be put down or beaten within an inch of your life with your own phone, and then sent over to Paris because I hate those arrogant French cunts, and they deserve to have people like you living on their shit ridden streets! They are called Mobile phones for the main reason that you can use them when mobile, and yet some times when you are walking down the road making a call and its reception cuts out! For fucks sake, if you can’t make a phone call in the middle of a main city like London, then where the fuck can you use it?!
Hands free kits piss me right off. You can get some that have the wire coming out of you mobile with the earpiece and the mic near the end? Well, what I don't get is, why do some twats hold the phone in one hand and the mic in the other hand?! What’s hands free about that? Oi dumb cunts, you are now using both hands, which surprises me because I thought those knobs always needed a free hand to scratch their arses with. While I am on the subject of hands free shit, those wankers with Bluetooth head sets that you can’t see, they walk around looking like cocks, talking to themselves and when you say something because you think they are talking to you they give you some shitty reply making you out to be some sort of nutter, well all I can say is give me my nine iron and a fucking good run up! Wankers.
Ok, that’s not all I can say as I have to get this off my chest, women drivers using mobile phone while driving. Now don’t get me wrong I love women they can be fun and have a role in life but that role is not driving cars! They just can’t drive and talk at the same time. Multi task my arse. They don’t seem capable of making a call to their girlfriends talking about whatever women talk about (shopping/make up/fucking Heat magazine) while looking in the mirror making sure they look good, and drive in a straight line. What they choose to do is drive like a complete twat, do their make up with one hand, and hold their mobile in the other hand and steer with their knees. Now unlike these cunts, I like most men can do that (with out the make up bollox of course) but women - get off the fucking phone, stop talking to you pre-menstrual friend, and just drive the fucking car you cuntish knob jockeys!
Flip out phones also piss me off, well its more the people who think they are cool that piss me off. They buy them because they are sad Star Trek wannabe captains, who think they will be closer to ‘The Kirk’ because they have something that looks like what he used to get himself beamed up. It’s not a fucking handset to talk to the mother ship, you cunt. It’s just a fucking phone to talk to your mother. I was at an airport a while back and some wanker had the sound effect from the TV program every time he opened it up. I had to be held back from smashing my duty free bottle of Jack Daniels over his stupid melon head. It would have been a waste of JD, but it still would have given me the same happy feeling I normally get when the bottle is empty!! XDA mobile phones! Just get a PDA and a normal phone you flash wankers, who wants to see a sweaty print of your ear on your screen its sick and wrong! This quick rant goes to anybody who works for nokia. Why cant I turn off the (as annoying as a French man with an opinion) nokia tune when the phone starts up, and the handshake picture is bollox too. So in summary:
women, don’t drive when on the phone.
men, select your ring tone well.
and lastly and most importantly, the French are cunts!!!
Yours truly, Richard ‘Flipper’ Newbigin.
Flipper is now available for children's parties.
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The Sullivan - Crew Catering
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Right, after experiencing some appalling crew catering with the all time great Technical Crew Union Rep - MR JAMIE PALMER, a very hard person to really piss off, we decided to drop you a line to rant at the cocksucking motherfuckers who just don’t understand the principles of keeping a crew happy!!!
During a recent trip we felt so angry that people cannot understand that we do not graze in a field with the fucking pigs, and that we do need coffee and donuts during the coffee breaks. Oh yeah, and a break to par take in the event of drinking coffee or tea, and WHY THE FUCK DO WE GET FED SO MUCH SHIT FOOD, I mean, we work our cunts off, and maintain some form of decency in front of delegates and clients. Then WHY do they reward us with FUCKING LASAGNE or cold chips and curly sandwiches?! FUCK ME, is it too much to ask to have something original to eat? I bet they wouldn't serve the faculty the utter TRIPE they feed us!! And then you get "Oh we need to rehearse tomorrow's show for the next 50,000 fucking hours." Tell you what, knobcheese, feed us properly and maybe you'll get a crew who'll gladly do it and even give a bit extra, instead of begrudgingly doing so, and only doing the bare minimum.
Last thing, to any young and prospering PM's, this is simple really:
TEA,COFFEE,WATER and a form of dunkable objects that go great with tea and coffee and maybe some fruit. And you'll have a bunch of people that do what you want.
FUCKING SIMPLE REALLY:
WE DO NOT GRAZE IN FARM YARDS, YOU TWATS - SORT IT OUT!!!"
phew thats better
Jack Sullivan
Thanks Jack, never a truer word said.
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Mr Miyagi says ...
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If you want to rant about something that has been pissing you off, if something’s happened in the world that makes you want to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!”, if you’ve seen a film or a show that’s made you want to pull your eyes out and shove them up your arse. Or if you just want to tell us to fuck off and try and argue, even though we're right. If it's good or will provoke a debate, we'll put it on.
e-mail : itsallbollox@btinternet.com
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