Mostly used by chavbastard teentwattastics…..though this rant could be used as an education for yourselves, should you wish to look and sound like a complete cunt!

Read and learn (and weep)

Well, one is employed to work with these youths on a daily basis, so one has picked up quite a vocabulary over the years. Basically this bunch of bad ass bastards are committing the biggest case of rape of the English language. It’s spilling over into all walks of life now and its getting quite serious, the fact that they believe they are cool beyond belief and are the greatest thing to walk the earth simply because they talk like they have a big dog shit in their mouths………………. Anyway, here it comes, I have included a glossary of terms should you get confused with the meanings.

Ok, so firstly should you wish to adopt this speak, you need to address your attire, one should firstly find a baseball cap, any will do, as long as you have left the tag on it (apparently this means its fresh like, get me?…..errr no, I don’t get you), next find the biggest pair of jeans you can get your hands on, preferably 10 sizes too big with a daft fucking moshino cartoon character on, pull them as far down your arse as possible and have your boxers showing……………….get some *BLING on your fingers…..*consult the glossary for explanation of *BLING and TING……….you get me doh?....no I fucking don’t doh!!!.....next all you need to do is walk like there is a big pile of steaming shit in your pants or your scrotum has been kicked by giant haystacks………………..oh yeah and some big daft *crepes with the laces undone…..right your almost ready, lets teach ya da lingo……..

Example one; BEAR
One of my students came in late, “sorry I is late miss but dare was bear delays on da train innit blood” Fuck me, I said, was Mr London transport running around with a big stick to tame them, did they get the amazing Seigfried and Roy to get these bears off the train……………………no, stupid Miss!……Bear means a lot innit?....oh, yeah course it fucking does!!!! Dimwit fucking loonietunes…grrrrrrrrrr….like oh yeah, you is bear fucking thick innit? You fuckas!

Example two;chung
Ok, so one my students was educating me in some speak, “Miss, do you know chung?”, “well, not personally I said, but he does a wicked special fried rice….Chung’s on Newport Street?”……roars of laughter filled the classroom….”Miss, you is not street innit? (like I would want to be, if means sounding like I have a speech impediment!)....Chung means fit, buff, gorgeous like”……..course it fucking does and I wonder if they will be adopting this speak in their 30’s……”oh darling, you look positively Chung in that evening dress tonite”….No, doesn’t sound right does it, you fucking halfwits!!!!

Never mind their 30’s and 40’s, what about when they are in the old peoples home in their 80’s and theyre like…”Hey bruv, come and empty me piss bag, its got bear piss in it innit?”………..

I’m particularly fond of the word DIGITS………one of these 17 year olds was like…………..”Miss, can I get your digits, I could take you out like..?”.
Fuck, I thought he was asking me to perform some weird sacrifice…..”how many do you want?.....can I at least keep my thumbs?”………then, on brandishing his phone I twigged he meant number. Genius!, that would be highly entertaining, however, after careful consideration, I declined his offer of  “come down nando’s innit”…..after all he was *butters like (* see glossary)

I was alarmed to hear a child in the newsagents who can only have been about 6 years old say “Hey blood, deese sweets is well peng innit, you get me doh?”……….roughly translated as “ hey my friend these sweets are good aren’t they, do you understand me though”……no I fucking don’t and its just not fucking right is it? SO FUCKING STOP IT NOW!!

And another thing innit, why the fuck is innit at the end of every sentence innit…….can I have a pint of lager innit? No you fucking cant innit, innit.!!!!

So by now you hopefully have taken some of the basic requirements for sounding like a daft cunt on board, here comes the glossary to underpin your understanding further……by the end of this rant, you will be a fully fledged thick cunting bastard…………..basically just add innit and bruv to every sentence and bobs your uncle………….bag a chips innit, blood, bruv, innit, blood, bruv, innit?........chips, innit, innit……….blood…………..Fuck off innit!

Glossary

Bling - ones jewellery or cosmetic possessions
Ting -  Thing
Troot – truth
Rasklaat - nobend-twat
Recognise - appreciate, open ones mind
Big love - lots of love
Nuff – enough, sufficient, a lot
Nuff respect - sufficient respect
Innit - isn’t it
Bouncing - leaving
Kickin - as above
Diss - disrespect
Switchin - a change of mood (for the worse)
Batty - touché, buttocks, arse
Batty man - a gay
Wicked - great, superb, very impressive
Taste your nan - get fucked, fuck off
Pinky - £50 note
Benz - £10 note
Nugg - a pound coin
Dry - rubbish, boring
Bun, butters - ugly
Buff, chung, peng - fucking gorgeous
Yard - house or council estate
Bruv, Blood - mate, friend, mother, brother, wanker
Bear - a lot
Bear tings - a lot of things
Crepes - trainers
Shank - knife
Strap - gun
Sweeties - bullets
Time - a long time
Digits - phone number
Brair - a bloke you don’t know and don’t like…..e.g. Russell grant, Lenny Henry etc
Tonk - big, a fat bastard
Hench - same as tonk, a fat bastard
Big up - make good, respect
Bullseye - super, smashing, great

Enough already…………………………………fuck it, I think I’ve ranted enough innit blood, bruv……………………..INNIT.

Thanks Rach, top work innit.

Hi, My name's Phil, and I like to listen to loud music on my iPod. I know this pisses people off. Most of us have been stuck on a train, bus, or tube, and all you can hear is the "Tss Tss Tss Tss.." of shite little head phones pumping out tunes that only sound good to the listener. I know, that makes me a prick, but I'm OK with that. When it comes to social annoyance, I know I'm not bottom of the pile, that spot is reserved for the fucking retarded cunts that play music through the speaker of their phone.

What - The - Fuck?!

I live in Sydney, and last week I was stuck on the Monorail sat behind a guy listening to tunes through his mobile. Other than being REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING, this white "wannabe gangster" 19 year old, was listening to hip hop, a music not best suited to one speaker that has no capacity for bass. He had his arm on the back of the seat next to him, his hand just dangling the phone, nodding his head and acting all "Cool". Cunt! It was the single most painful moment of my life, beaten only when 50cent came on and he did the two finger shoot down every time he could make out the words "It's your birthday". It was a choice, kill him in the most brutal and sadistic way I could think of, or laugh in his face . And this isn't the first genetic waste of life I've seen doing this. It's a fucking Global problem!

So why do people do this? It's not for the love of music, because let's face it - there are better ways of listening to music. Headphones would be a start, but no, these people think I want to listen to their music. Well, I say music, but it's no better than the "Tss Tss" of headphones - it's just loads louder! So, these people must do it for some sort of social status thing.

You fucking weak minded fuckwit!

Do you really think you're cool, just because of the music you listen to??? Surely not... Surely you couldn't of been born THAT stupid!! It's called Popular Music arse wipe, i.e. Pop. That means EVERYONE fucking knows the song! YOU'RE NOT COOL BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT TOO!!

If you don't believe me, and you think playing music through a mobile is cool, I ask you this: When was the last time you ever saw or heard of a beautiful girl say, "Wow, he's got a crappy little phone and listens to the same shite music in public as every other chav cunt - I want to fuck him!!!"....... No?? Didn't think so!!! Or how about "Hey, check him out, he can't afford an iPod or headphones, He's catch!! I want to have his babies!"... That's right, NEVER you fucking cockmasters!!!
It is not cool.
It does not impress people.
It makes you look a stupid cunt, but most of all, YOU'RE FUCKING ME OFF!!!!

And what do we do about these people? Do we do the right thing and kill them? Is our legacy to our children going to be a cleaner gene pool after we've culled out the crap and stupid?? No. We tolerate these up hill gardeners, because let's face it - Anyone retarded enough to listen to music through a phone and think it's cool, is stupid enough to stab you in the face.
These people are so fucking stupid they make me want to bleed out of my ass!!

Genius from the Phillipoussis.