Elton John once said these stupid words in, ‘Your Song.’
“If I were a sculptor, ha, but then again no”
“Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show”

Well make your fucking mind up, you fickle cunt, what the fuck do you wanna be? A fucking fat homo?

Insurance

Cunts, cunts, cunts. No one likes insurance companies. You go to a party and engage in some idle small talk with some cunt you have never met.
“So what do you do for a living then?”
“Well I sell insurance”
“Really? You cunt!”
And so it goes on.
It’s like there is some conspiracy with all the insurance companies and the city. Let me break down the various types for you, and explain how these cunts have been, and still are, ripping us off.

Car/motorbike insurance
You have to have it. You pass your test and buy some old pikey fiesta or nova for £500, unless you’re a spoilt cunt and Daddy bought you one for £1500 and paid the insurance. So you ring up for your first quote, (Bare with me, I know we all do it online now, but I am going back before interweb, when I passed my test) you ask for 3rd party fire and theft, you tell them you have just passed your test and the cars worth fuck all.
“That’ll be £800 please?”
“But that’s more than the car’s worth”
“Well that’s what it is. Do you want it?”
And so on and so on. In those days it was too much hassle to ring round and get loads of quotes. Now it’s all online and you get fucking shit loads through in an instant. They all vary from £400 to £1200 even though you gave the same details. How the fuck can that be? What sort of fucking formulae are they using?
I happened to get hold of it.
A + b x D + c = fucking stupid customer
A = £300
B = age (insurance seems to go up as you get older, I understand that if you are over 50)
D = another £500 for having the audacity to buy a car that’s less than 2 yrs old so will cost more to repair
c = no claims years (the more you have the more expensive it gets)

It’s true, I have 9 yrs no claims and my fucking insurance has never gone down. So why fucking bother with it? They always said build your no claims up and your insurance will go down, and then they have the audacity to ask you if you want to protect it in case you have lots of accidents! 3 a year is the max I think. I never take this out, coz even if you have one or two accidents in a year, they will always get their fucking money back. They’re like a fucking casino. The cunts will always win in the end.
Of course I fucking realise there is inflation and all that, and prices naturally go up over the years, cars go up, petrol goes up blah blah blah. The insurance company I use has been the cheapest for me the last 3 yrs. One of the standard big ones. But every year I check out other deals. One I remember came on after my search on tinterweb and was £450 more than the cheapest. I got quite pissed that day, and in my cynical pissed way I phone them up about 7pm and asked them why their quote was 450 quid more. They said “Well whatever your cheapest quote is, we’ll match it! “
“Hold on, if you can match it just like that with no hesitation, then why were you charging 450 quid more in the first place? How did you come up with a figure of £900?”
“Well sir it’s a competitive market out there, so we have to be flexible.”
“Well that’s as flexible as fucking python you cunt and the fact you have blatantly tried to rip me off, you can fuck off. YOU CUNT!”
I didn’t really say that last bit, which you may find surprising, but it does get better.
The cunts know we have to buy it, so they just treat us like fucking mugs, laughing in our faces. Well I would like to fucking laugh in their faces when one of those big company cunt firms goes bust. Yeah a lot of jobs would be lost, but hey, they’d all be insurance people so I wouldn’t lose any sleep. Fuck ‘em.
The fucking excuses they use for putting insurance up.
“Yeah there were loads of accidents last year.”
I wasn’t one of them, but my insurance has fucking gone up.
“The cost of repairs has gone up.”
Yeah but I didn’t have an accident all year.
And while we are on the subject of body shops, I will have a fucking pop about them too. I have had to take my car to a body shop only once, 10 yrs ago. He looked at it for 10 mins then said he would ring me up later with a cost.
 £1500 quid was the answer. I phoned car insurance people, they said do it as I had fully comp. The body shop people gave me a complimentary car for the week, and would drive my car to wherever I was and swap it over when work was done. Now, I am not that interested in cars, but I had to drive a fucking 1.0 purple Nissan micra. The cunts are not only coming up with any old price, but they make you use the worst looking car. People tried to have me fucking arrested and put in the stocks.
Also, how do we know what they charge is fair? How the fuck do I know what a new fiesta door costs, and it’s always a slightly different shade of the rest of the fucking car. Get eyes like mine you cunts, eyes of a fucking hawk, me. I would have spotted that straight away.
Anyway, when they brought my car back he checked the milage on the micra and told me I owed £15, as the mileage on the micra was over the 20 mile limit a day.
I said
“You taking the fucking piss? You have just made me look a cunt driving that thing for a week and you’re asking me for money. Shit you should be fucking paying me and you just made £1500 out of me. Jesus!”
“I know mate, fucking liberty isn’t it.”
Also the insurance company sent some cunt from the firm to check the damage on the car to see if I was telling the truth. Fuck me if this cunt didn’t go through the car like he was fucking Quincy. The motherfucker inspected all the tread on all the tyres.
“Oi cunt! The damage is at the front of the car.”
He treated me like a fucking criminal and said fuck all. Tried to talk to him, you know usual shit, cup of tea and all that wank. Nothing. Standing there with his fucking clip board making fucking notes and hiding them like the classroom boffin cunt hiding his answers from everyone else in the biology tests. Don’t be a prick or I’ll kick your arse in PE. Then he fucks off with the mortal words
“We’ll be in touch”
What the fuck do you think this is? Some fucking audition? No. You will get my car fixed and now, not in 3 fucking weeks time. I have paid my money, now give me some fucking service, and stop treating me like some stupid wanker.
Then all that shit like, "what’s your occupation?" Why the fuck should my premium be more expensive if I am a teacher to say a road sweeper. Who fucking decides what jobs are more dangerous than others? If you were a professional racing driver fair enough, but 99.9% of us aren’t. All that alarms shit, where you live, is it in garage? Now, if I live in a shit hole, that’s probably because I don’t have a choice and I wouldn’t have a fucking Porsche parked outside if I did. Because if it’s parked in an area where lots of cars get nicked then you pay more. Do they have car theft stats for every post code? I fucking doubt it. It’s some cunt sitting there with a map of Great Britain in front of him just saying
“Liverpool, lots of thieving pikeys there, high risk, and Manchester, Bradford……”
“London, shit loads, all fucking rich there, they can afford it”
Fucking cunts. So what if I don’t have a garage, its parked right outside the house, I can fucking see it out of the window. If the alarm goes off, I look outside; see some cunt sticking a coat hanger down the window. I run outside and smash his fucking melon into a new shade of mushy fucking peas, the fucking cocksucker.
If it’s in the garage, I can’t see him and neither can anyone else as he’s hidden. He takes his time, beats the alarm then drives through the garage door like it the fucking Duke’s of Hazzard. Well I would anyway.
So I would have wasted 10.000 queens’ heads on building a garage which turns out to be as useful as a fucking paper condom. Actually I don’t spend that money cos I am not that stupid, but there are idiots out there, lots of them. We all know that as prob 99% of the intelligent people in this fucking country like myself and Alex have to work with some of these fucking pricks. The building trade is another rant for another time, so not today my Stephen hawkings prodigies.
The only thing I will agree with is the huge increases for drink drivers and drug users whilst driving. If they wanna be that fucking stupid to get into a car when they are completely fucked then they are cunts and risking people’s lives. We’ve all heard the stories and prob know someone who was in an accident. I am not talking about the 3 pints and home, I am talking about the 10 pints, barely able to walk and only lives a mile away can’t be fucked to walk. FUCK OFF YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO GRACE THIS EARTH WITH YOUR PRESENCE. If you think I am wrong then please do email me cos I will tell you now
“GO FUCK YER MOTHER, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!”
That’s my moral shit out the way. Back to nonce sense.

They will try everything to try to get out of paying.
“Yes, sorry sir, but under sub section 43a on page 67 in our terms and conditions which you have a copy of with your insurance certificate, that if your car is a write off and the value of your car as of today is £5350 we shall give you whatever figure we like, like £200, minus your excess which is £250 so you owe us £50.”
Cunts. How the fuck can they be getting away with this for so long? How can people be putting up with this? Why do they just accept it? It’s the most price fixed market in this country. Why are the FSA doing fuck all about it, or even the government?
That old favourite, MONEY. It is blatant price fixing. They all make huge profits every year, give themselves massive cunt bonuses. They could sell it much cheaper and still make shit loads. Unfortunately, it comes full circle, shareholders, greed and money. I am not getting all communist on you and share it all out shit. Fuck ,who wants to live in China. I’d rather eat my own shit, thanks. But, I sign up to democracy and all that freedom, but not to the point where people think they can take the piss out of us.

Why is it when you’re in an accident, it’s always the other persons fault, whatever way you look at it? What the fuck is that all about? You were driving at 70mph in a 40mph zone and went into the back of somebody sitting there at a red light cos you were just being a cunt. You get out and start yelling at the cunt,
“Oi Magoo! The fucking light was green you blind prick. Why the fuck were you sitting there like a lump of shit? You cunt.”
“Doesn’t matter mate, you went into the back of me, so your insurance is fucked”
Fucking know it all cunt. Why is that person always some old cunt about 65 yrs old, lost cos he has come up to visit his daughter for the day, who fucking lives 200miles away. He drives a fucking Austin Maestro that he has had since brand new, 20 yrs old and not a scratch, low mileage, drives it once for week for 2 hours. Well the fuck these cunts own an Austin Maestro should send any fucking alarms bells ringing at all the fucking insurance companies. Austin Maestro in accident. It must be his fault, as he will be some old cunt who wears glasses and driving gloves who is miles from home, probably lost and will end up being the silly cunt on ‘World’s stupidest Drivers 11’ on channel five for driving his fucking car round the M25 the wrong way up the hard shoulder. So we should hit those people fucking hard. How the fuck Saga insurance has lasted I will never know. The kid with the worst scores in Economics and a financial degree at Oxford must have started it up. Silly cunt..
So us middle people get shafted cos of stupid young twats driving through towns in their stupid cheap kit fiestas and escorts. Fuck off!

Insurance companies and insurance fucking salesman. You are ALL cunts.