10cc once sang “I don’t like cricket, I love it.”
Well I say, make your fucking mind up you fickle cunts.

After a long lay off with a broken ankle, I have decided that this current rant will be on random things in the last year.

Let’s start with Scotland, and them wanting their own cuntry. Fucking let them have it. They will soon come back with cap in hand like that Oliver Twist cunt. “ Please sir can we have some money as all our oil has run out” and then we can tell them to fuck right off. They are shite at football, and shite at rugby, and pretty much everything else and the blokes wear skirts.  It’s cold, wet, and what’s all that deep fried Mars bar shit all about. Why don’t you just get a fucking bar of lard, shove it in a syringe and whack  it straight in your fucking heart. Go fuck yourself with your ' aye Jimmy ' shit as well. 

DFS Sale now on, ends Bank holiday Monday, everything must go. FUCK OFF! You cunts have a sale every fucking week. It never ends. Everything half price and more. These cowboy rip off cunts are the biggest wankers on the planet apart from Russell Brand and Chris Moyles. An example, a nice leather sofa was £1500 now only £600. Let’s do some simple maths here. Their sales are on all the time. They slash prices by up to 60%. How can they make a profit I hear you ask? Well they still make a profit when they reduce these items, which makes me think what sort of profit are they making when they sell it full price?! If they can afford to sell it at £600, then they are profiteering at over 100%. FUCKING MASSIVE GREEDY CUNTS STRAIGHT OUT OF THE ASHLEY COLE SCHOOL. DFS stop treating us like fucking idiots.

That Max Clifford PR Guru. If he is so fucking good, why does everyone think he's such a cunt?!

In Feb we had the euro millions jackpot at 180 million euros, unfortunately it was shared by 2 French cunts and a Portuguese fucker. CUNTS. Yeah Portugal, give it to Spain. Waste of a cuntry.

We had the Winter Olympics in Turin. Biggest waste of money EVER, apart from watching people stack it on the downhill skiing, and watching toboggans flip over and seeing their  melons scrape down the ice. NICE NICE NICE

Steve Irwin got killed by a stingray. This is a clear message to anyone who fucks with nature. It’s like messing with God's ball bag. You don’t do it. Anyone who fucks with animals is asking for it. Would you have a bit of rough and tumble with a pit-bull? Would you think it great fun to kick a fucking football at a Tiger's face? How about chucking a fucking brick at a silverback Gorilla? No you wouldn't, coz it would rip your fucking head off and eat it. It would be fucking suicidal. Which brings me onto those fucking morons who swim and surf in shark infested waters. These people don’t have brains or common sense. Instead they have a diseased pineapple for a brain, and the common sense of a foetus. I am talking mainly about Aussies - or convicts as we call them, and South Africans. Now, you are playing in shark territory! We don’t belong in the fucking sea. If we did, we would have gills. They look at us as food, or even a bit of fun maybe. They attack with severe consequences. I don’t see anything funny about people being dragged out of the ocean with one  fucking arm and chunks of flesh missing from their torso. Look at all the people watching on the beach laughing their fucking heads off. Then what do these fucking twats do? They go back in the sea. What the fuck is wrong with these people. “Oh look someone just had their fucking head bit off by a great white, fancy a swim?” You BIG CUNTS. Then lets go fishing on the banks of Crocodile infested rivers. The manpower wasted when park rangers spend two days looking for the person and all they find is a mangled fucking flip flop and a half a fucking hat. Then what do these dumb fuck cunts do? They go and hunt the poor fucker like it was the crocodile’s fault that he was hungry. You fuck in their backyard and you get fucked. I have no sympathy for these fucking cunts, they can all fuck off. The Sea is King. You fuck with it and all that’s in it, and you will get fucked. I know I have gone right of the trail here but I need to say this. It might save some cunt’s life. Be harsh and tell it like it is, or go fuck yourself. The Sea snake is a massive cunt. These huge motherfuckers are the kings in my book. Not only can they swim in the sea and kill a man, they also have the fucking cheek to be able to go on the land and kill man as well. Greedy cunts. Respect the sea snake. As for Dolphins, they are the children of the sea that never grew up. The crazy fuckers swim and jump all over the fucking place, they wind up sharks, make fish dizzy, take the piss out of seals. They lap it up. You gotta repect them, the piss takers of the sea. Whales. Don’t fuck with that tail. One fucking swoosh of that cunt and you're looking at replacing every fucking smashed bone in your body. Even the fucking sharks won’t fuck with an adult whale. Respect the Whale. Right, back to the year. Maybe I should take over from the Attenborough when he retires. Then again maybe I might win the fucking euro millions.

That cunt Schumacher retired from F1. Thank fuck for that! Fucking boring sausage gobbling cunt. Raced like a fucking pussy if you ask me.

A ex Russian KGB agent got poisoned in London with Radioactive Polonium210 and obviously died. He said it was the Russian government. No shit Sherlock. He has slagged of the Government for a number a years. And of course Polonium is readily available in your local chemist. Didn’t look too well did he?

We got our arses kicked in the ashes. If there is one thing I fucking hate, it’s smug Aussies. Wankers, fucking wankers. Then they win the Cricket World Cup. Now I will be the first to admit that they are the best team in the world, and have been for years. If England are ever going to have a chance of winning one day cricket matches, there are some simple rules to follow.

1. Don’t pick Vaughan, Trescothick, Joyce, Mahmood.

2. Don’t bowl full tosses. Bowling them in one day cricket is like giving the batsman a free 6. Anyone who bowls this type of delivery should have their melon crushed in a vice. It should be banned. If you get caught after hitting a full toss, you too should have your arms bathed in hydrochloric acid.

3. Don’t play any kind of sweep shot unless you know how to do it. Strauss take note you fucking twat.

4. Know the rules of one day cricket. You have 50 overs to score as many runs as possible. This is not test cricket Vaughn, you prick. Don’t take 22 balls before you score a run.

5. Learn what power plays are Vaughn you cocksucker, don’t think you can score 100 runs in the last 10 overs, especially when you only have 2 wickets left.

6. One day team should have a separate coach and captain from the test team. They are two completely different games. One is slog cricket the other requires patience and timing.

It was the World Cup in Germany. The biggest and best sporting competition in the world. We failed miserably. We had our best team for years. Unfortunately, they were led by one massive Swede cunt. I wish I had kicked him in the fucking Swede. Oh yes, and we played fucking shit. I was sick to my fucking teeth of hearing the players after each game telling us how bad they had played and then telling us how sorry they were and how they were gonna play the bollox in the next game. Well, when was that exactly? When did you play well in the world cup?  Or did someone come up to me with a rod of lead and fucking whack it in my eyeballs to prevent me watching it? Far too many errors, but thank fuck that Swede cunt left. Who did we get as a replacement? The Steve Davis of football. Steve “stop mumbling” Mclaren. Great.
 Nice head butt Zidane. Couldn't have chosen a better team to do it against. Cry baby, hey hey hey finger waving gesticulating Italian cunts. Why we are on the subject of UEFA and FIFA, they recently said that there is an alarming problem with alcohol related incidents at football matches. They said it wasn’t good for football and it tarnished the image of football worldwide. Then why the fuck are you cunts happy to have Carlsberg, Budweiser, and Amstel as your main sponsors in all your football competitions. You GREEDY DOUBLE STANDARD CORRUPT CUNTS.

The boat race is a pile of horse shit. What would be better is if everyone watching on the side lobbed fucking bricks at them, to see which boat they could sink first. Toff cunts, fuck off.

The Premiership. Chelsea CUNTS. Ha no league title, no champs league. Fucking pricks!

Blair has fucked up. Nothing new there. Thankfully he steps down this year. Unfortunately it looks like a Scottish bloke is gonna take over. Better hide my fucking wallet then, and cash my pension in before he fucks us over even more.

When I press the call button for the lift in the lobby it lights up. This signals to me and every other fucker waiting that the lift is on its way, that’s why the light is illuminated. It does NOT mean that you have to press the button 5 thousand times thinking that the lift will get there in 5 milliseconds. So you get in the lift, everyone pushes buttons corresponding to the floor they want. So why do these fucking cunts push the button again and again and again every time the door opens, expecting the lift to miss everyone else’s floor and go direct to theirs? I am sick of FUCKING STUPID IDIOTS WHO SEEM TO THINK THAT A LIFT HAS THE INTELLIGENCE OF A HEART TRANSPLANT SURGEON. FUCKING PRICKS. Also if you have luggage, by all means use the lift. If however, your room is on the first floor and you are going down to the ground floor with no luggage, USE THE FUCKING STAIRS YOU FAT LAZY LUMPS OF CUNT.

Drugs in sport. You will always get caught. They say cheats never prosper. Well, in Septic Justin Gatlins case, he got right caught, and paid the fucking price for being a massive cheating cunt. Earlier in the year he set a new world record for the 100m. How he jumped up and down with delight. However his world came crashing down on his head like a fucking lorry full of lead crushing his melon, and crushing all his vertebrae to pulp. Coz four fucking months later he got caught taking a banned substance. Had his world record stripped, and got banned for 8 years. His career is now fucked. Will these fuckers ever learn? And when will these cheating fuckers stop coming out with this bullshit about, “ I didn’t know, I was taking some tablets for a cold, honest.” FUCK OFF you lying cunt. You cheated and you got caught. Fucking accept it and FUCK OFF.