Lionel Ritchie is a FUCKING CUNT.

He once sung ‘Oh what a feeling, when were dancing on the ceiling.’
He also sang ‘Once, twice, three times a lady’
Then he sang ‘I had a dream, I had an awesome dream. People in the park, playing games in the dark’
And ‘Easy like Sunday morning’

Now, I am no twat, but you can’t dance on the ceiling. Anyone who says he does is both a cunt and a lying fuck.
A lady can only be a lady once unless that person has several sex change ops, which I doubt is the case here.
So you had an awesome dream. People playing games in the dark, in a park. How fucking irresponsible and fucking dangerous is that.
Lastly, I work on a Sunday, there’s nothing easy about that you cunt. You should check your fucking facts, you fucking arsehole.
‘Hello, is it me you’re looking for’ No it isn’t, so FUCK OFF

Right, some of you may have heard recently that I was burgled and had my car stolen. Now we all know that thieving is scum. All thieves should be first, stabbed in the eye with a hot bradle. Secondly, they should be thrown off the top of the post office tower. Lastly they should be stamped in the face repeatedly.
How fucking dare they come into my home and fucking rifle through stuff. Then they find my fucking car keys and take the car. But, the dumb cunts haven’t bothered to change the number plate as the car has been spotted in various areas of London. It‘s only a matter of time before the cunts get caught. Then give me an hour in a locked room with them and my trusty 5 wood.
What fucking annoys me though, is the law. Why can’t I stick a fucking Makita drill in their face if I catch them breaking into my house. Once they enter my house and are on my property I should be allowed to protect myself and family using any means whatsoever. How am I to know he doesn’t have a gun or knife? Shall I ask him? Or shall I just shove an electric carving knife in his mouth first, and then ask the cunt. As he now won’t be able to speak I would naturally find one in his pocket which means I could then repeatedly smash his fucking melon up with a garden spade. But, the law tells me I can’t do this. Look at that poor cunt Tony Martin the farmer who constantly got burgled by the same pikeys and ended up shooting one that was in HIS house. The police did nothing and he took the law into his own hands because of that. He ended up doing some porridge and the fucking pikey sued him. How the fuck can that be?! The public backed him and the government did nothing. It’s an utter fucking disgrace. The criminal has more fucking rights than the victim. They call it citizen’s rights. When you become a criminal you should lose all your fucking rights. Cushy jails, decent food. Fuck off.
What’s all the fuss about Guantanamo Bay?  Can’t see the problem myself. Some of them may be innocent fair enough, just don’t grow a beard.

So every person should have the right to protect themselves and their property by using any amount of force deemed necessary.
(My dad used told me that if you catch someone breaking in to the house, if you kill them you should drag them to the top of the stairs, and then throw them down. He reckoned that legally, if someone came up stairs you can use force to take them out and if they die, then so be it. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I sincerely hope it is)

Right, now that I have calmed down I thought I would have another rant about Rip off Britain.

Hotels and their outrageous charge for internet. If I am paying 200 quid a night in a top hotel I would expect the internet to come free. Most people aren’t going to be downloading fucking movie after movie. Porno maybe, but you can limit the amount people can download, but to charge 10 quid an hour of 30 quid a fucking day is daylight fucking robbery. Lenny Henry you Big CUNT. 30 quid a day. Where the fuck do they get off with charging that amount?! Why the fuck is it not free? It costs fuck all for broadband these days. They say it’s to do with the upkeep of the lines, infrastructure, IT, all that shit. FUCK OFF you lying cunts. You ring up to say there is a problem with the internet. They say its working fine at the front desk; it must be your laptop. Well, how about I come down to the front desk and plug my laptop in? I’m sure you won’t mind if I watch ‘College of Cunt’ there with my boxers on. Fix it you wankers.
‘Can I order some room service please? Lasagne, chips and a becks please. Room 132. 30 mins? ok cheers.’
It turns up on a fucking trolley with one of those fuck off metal dome covers. The sort you see at a 70’s restaurant and expect some fucking pigs head to be under it with an apple shoved in its mouth. But what you get is a solid cold block of shit with cold chips and a warm beer.
“Enjoy your meal.” Fuck off you cheeky cunt. What I would enjoy, would be to put the fucking knife and fork that came with it in each of the cunting chefs eyes that cooked this pile of dog shit. Just so he can’t serve this kind of shit up ever again.
So Mr Roberts your final bill is. £200 for the room. £75.00 room service for lasagne,chips and a beer. £600.00 internet charges for one hour. How would you like to pay?
‘With a fucking 12 gauge in your face, cunt chops’
Lenny Henry you CUNT.

I would like a return ticket for the train to Manchester from Kings Cross please, but I must get there by 9.30am.
‘That’ll be £500 please?’
‘You taking the fucking piss mate?’
‘Yes’
‘You train ticket robbing cunts’
‘Well if you book 3 months in advance and go after 9pm on a Sunday its only £16.50’
‘Well, I’m sorry I have to stick this pen in your fucking eye cunt face’

I just bought an iron from Curry’s for £30. Would you like easy complete care for 3 yrs for that sir? It covers all manners of defects? Lenny Henry you CUNT. What, so this iron is shit then? Is that what you’re saying? Its only £75.00 a year? Don’t you think I would just buy a new one you fucking dildo? Unbelievable.

Now my beloved Arsenal is a prime example of rip off. In the club level section of the ground the tickets are much more expensive. Because of this they think it’s acceptable to charge you more for pies and drinks than on the upper level or lower levels of the ground. How the fuck can that be? A fucking minced beef and onion pie is £5 in club and the same pie is £4 if I go upstairs. You may think don’t be a lazy cunt. But, why the fuck should I pay more because my match ticket is more? What, because I have paid more that means I can afford to pay more for a fucking pie that you need an asbestos mouth to eat?
Also, what’s all this grading games shit. If we play Wigan it’s £36.00. The same seat for Chelsea CUNTS is £52.00. Why? It’s still a premiership game. Every fucking game is a sell out. It should make no difference. It’s fucking greed. If we are playing Bolton it should be £10 though. Lenny Henry you CUNT.

Laughing cow spreadable cheese. I don’t mind it. Alex hates it. Although Alex didn’t complain when he shoved 4 triangles of the fucking shit in his gob at 3am pissed up in Barcelona.

The reason I am talking about this is the picture on the box Can anyone tell me the fundamental problems with the picture? I have never seen a red cow, especially with fucking horns coming out of its head. I think that laughing cow has some other hidden anti-god agenda. Is the Chairman a fucking Satanist or something? I have also never seen a fucking cow laugh. Quite simply - cows do not laugh.

A friend recently pointed out a very valid point concerning Kid Creole and the Coconuts, the 80’s band. He had a hit called ‘Annie, I’m not your Daddy.’
Talk about state the fucking obvious, as he is a black man and Annie is a little white girl with ginger hair and freckles.
CUNT!

Bit of advice. If any cunt ever tells you they know a really good curry house in any country other than GB, India or Sri Lanka, they are talking fucking bollocks. Time and time again I have been stupid enough to go to various curry houses in Spain, France, and USA …. and they have all been fucking SHIT. They never do the proper dips with the Popudums, they are shit. Starters and curries never look or taste anything like you ordered. The beer is SHIT. Chapati’s don’t even exist. Stop fucking pretending and fuck off.

What cunt said that ‘hindsight is a wonderful thing’
No it fucking isn’t. What’s so great about not doing something you wished you had. Whoever came up with this word or phrase is a complete and utter cunt.

Laters CUNTS!